on being a mother

I had a blog post for today which was all about "Things your mother said to you..."  I had prepared it around an email that did the rounds ages ago which I had recently found:-

1. my mother taught me LOGIC -"because i said so, that's why"
2. my mother taught me MORE LOGIC - "if you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you're not coming to the shops with me."
3. my mother taught me FORESIGHT - "make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Does any of it sound familiar?

But today is a little different.  It is scary how one phone call can change everything in an instant.  I received a phone call yesterday evening from my ex-brother-in-law in Johannesburg giving me the news that, for the last 3 months, I had been dreading.  They had found John's (the father of my sons) body.  It is a very sad story and I cannot share it right now but this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.  One thing that my mother always tells me is "A mother can only ever be has happy as her unhappiest child" (which was how I was going to end off the above post).   It is something I often think about and something I only understood when I became a mother.  At the moment my heart is breaking for my three very sad boys.

It is now 4.30 in the morning and I have not slept much. Today I am going to do what I think is best.  I am taking Gareth and Nic off in the car for a road trip.  We are heading to Kimberley to get to Matthew as soon as we can.  We need this time together. The time in the car will be good to chat and think and listen to music.  I need to hug my baby and have them together in one place.  These three boys love each other so much and have been through so much together.  They need to be together now.

We will watch Matthew play rugby on Saturday and drive back on Sunday.  Poor Nic only left Kimberley on Tuesday and completed the long drive there and back and will re-trace his steps today.

So it is going to be a sad trip, a long trip, there will be tears and, I am sure, laughs.  It will also be a time for me to thank John Rosslee, like I do everyday (and will continue to do for the rest of my life), for the wonderful boys we share.

Sorry Mom and Ellen if I made you cry (again).  Aunty Norma I will be back on Monday.  Michael, I love you more than words can say.