the commandments according to just stuff

here goes, (especially for janetta):-
1. it is ok for a MAN to cry under the following circumstances:-
· when a heroic dog dies to save its master;
· the moment angelina jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse;
· after wrecking your boss‟ car;
· one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "the crying game".
1. IT IS OK FOR A WOMAN TO CRY UNDER THE FOLLOWING CIRCUMSTANCES:
· when she is happy
· when she is sad
· when she is cross
· when she watches the royal wedding
· when someone is nasty
· when someone is kind
· in a happy movie
· in a sad movie
· in the bath
· at a wedding
· at a funeral
· when a friend is sick
· when a friend is getting better
· during brothers and sisters
· during the news
· on the beach
· on a boat
· need i go on...............(i can, promise)

2. any MAN who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
2. PLEASE BRING YOUR CAMERAS TO THE HEN-PARTY (we have nothing to hide)

3. unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
3. AGREE ON THAT ONE

4. if you‟ve known a MAN for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
4. WOULDN'T IT BE LOVELY IF YOU COULD BE RELATED TO YOUR SISTER or
BROTHER BY MARRIAGE AS WELL AS BIRTH (maybe not, but not a train smash)

5. moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend‟s fridge is forbidden. complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
5. WE NEVER MOAN AND WILL HAPPILY DRINK ANY WINE AND IF IT IS NOT
COLD, WE ADD ICE (silly)

6. no MAN shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another MAN. in fact, even remembering your friend‟s birthday is strictly optional.
6. ALWAYS BUY A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR A FRIEND - IN FACT NEVER BUY
A PRESENT FOR A FRIEND IF YOU WOULD NOT LIKE TO RECEIVE THAT PRESENT YOURSELF - SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? BUY 2 OF THE GIFT AND YOU EACH GET ONE (clever)

7. on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
7. ALWAYS STOP. IN FACT STOP WHENEVER AND WHEREVER NECESSARY (even alongside the road or in a car park).

8. when stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who‟s playing.
8. ENCOURAGE QUESTIONS AND TALK DURING A MATCH - HOW ARE YOU EVER ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LEARN?

9. it is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you‟re sunning on a tropical beach… and it‟s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it‟s free.
9. OOOH FRUITY ALCOHOLIC DRINKS ARE GREAT NO MATTER WHO SERVES THEM. WE WILL EVEN PAY FOR THEM.

10. only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another MAN in the nuts.
10. IN SITUATIONS OF MORAL AND/OR PHYSICAL PERIL - KICK A MAN IN THE NUTS

11. unless you‟re in prison, never fight naked.
11. NOW WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT, EVEN IF IN PRISON

12. friends don‟t let friends wear speedos. ever. issue closed.
12. WOMAN FIND IT HARD TO TELL A PLUMP FRIEND HER BIKINI DAYS ARE OVER BUT IF SHE IS HAPPY WEARING THE BIKINI (or speedo) JOLLY GOOD FOR HER. GO GIRL.

13. if a MAN‟s fly is down, that‟s his problem, you didn‟t see anything.
13. IF A WOMAN LOOKS LIKE SHE IS COLD ;), OFFER HER A JERSEY OR SCARF. IF SHE HAS SPINACH IN HER TEETH, TELL HER. IF SHE IS SHOWING HER G-STRING RATHER KEEP QUIET AS SHE MAY LIKE THAT LOOK (i'm talking from experience on this one)

14. women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
14. WE DO "LOVE TO WATCH SPORTS", WE HAVE A GOOD (some) KNOWLEDGE OF MOST SPORTS AND WE CAN DRINK AS MUCH AS MEN (if we wanted to) and YES,OF COURSE, WE ARE SPIES (silly)

15. a MAN in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
15. A WOMAN IN THE COMPANY OF A HOT, SUGGESTIVELY DRESSED MAN IS ALLOWED TO DRINK (we would never overstep the boundaries and why ever would we want to fight?)

16. never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that‟s just mean.
16. IF YOU ARE THIRSTY AND HUNGRY DRINK MY LAST DRINK AND EAT THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA ("thirst is a dangerous thing" and i don't need another slice of pizza)

17. if you compliment a MAN on his six-pack, you‟d better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. WE LOVE COMPLIMENTING EACH OTHER AND NEVER MENTION THE EXTRA INCHES ON THE MIDDLE. (we will however compliment a friend on her six- pack, if we had such a "friend")

18. never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she‟s withholding sex pending your response.
18. WE DON'T TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER AND WE NEVER WITHHOLD SEX (do we?)

19. phrases that may NOT be uttered to another MAN while lifting weights:
· yeah, baby, push it!
· c‟mon, give me one more!
· another set and we can hit the showers!
19. WEIGHTS? TALK WHILE EXERCISING? EXERCISING?

20 never talk to a MAN in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. for all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20. ALWAYS TALK TO A WOMAN IN A BATHROOM. (some of my best conversations have been over the "walls" of a public toilet. "lesley, is that you?") FEEL FREE ASK WHAT COLOUR LIPSTICK SHE IS USING AND WHICH HAIRDRESSER SHE GOES TO (where else are you supposed to gather important information. certainly not around the dinner table with males present?)

21. never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. keep a stopwatch by the phone. hang up if necessary.
21. THE MIND BOGGLES FOR AN EQUIVALENT ON THIS ONE BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN QUITE A LOT TO US "WOMAN" ON MALE TELEPHONE ETIQUETTE.

22. there is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or mens gymnastics. ever.
22. WE LOVE WATCHING WOMAN IN BALLET OUTFITS, BATHING COSTUMES, BALLROOM DANCING OUTFITS. WE ARE CONFIDENT WITH OUR SEXUALITY AND IT IS FINE TO ADMIRE THE FEMALE FORM (and also fine to criticise - you should have heard us at the royal wedding (you would have thought you were sitting in room filled with michelle pheiffer look-a-likes). did you see that skinny woman in blue with the ugly nose and a canoe on her head? too funny on fashion police on saturday night joan rivers asked "what was that cocaine snorting woman doing wearing her vagina on her head?!!!)

23. when you are queried by a buddy‟s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. you are permitted to deny his very existence.
23. WHY WOULD WE EVER NEED TO LIE ABOUT EACH OTHERS WHEREABOUTS? ;)

24 you may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call „BULLSHIT‟. (exception is when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
24. WOMAN DO NOT EXAGGERATE

25. the minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who‟s running late is 5 inutes. for a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
25. WE ARE PATIENT AND WILL ALWAYS WAIT FOR A FRIEND. AFTER ALL WE ARE WORTH WAITING FOR. IF THEY GET TIRED OF WAITING THOSE EXTRA 100 MINUTES (we all score 10 don't we?) WHY DON'T THEY FIND SOMETHING TO DO LIKE, CLOSING THE WINDOWS, SWITCHING OFF THE TV, FILLING THE ICE TRAYS INSTEAD OF DOING SILLY CALCULATIONS ON THE "HOTNESS" SCALE.

26. agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
26. THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING A WOMAN WOULD GET INVOLVED IN
(does it?) (if so, please share the story at our next ladies lunch)

27. before dating a buddy‟s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
27. PERMISSION? WHY? I KNOW SOME WOMAN WHO HAVE TRIED TO FIND THEIR "EX'S" A GIRLFRIEND.

28. the universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
28. AGREED BUT WINE, SHARED AND DRUNK WHILE EMPTYING BOXES. (moving is after all a whole lot more than moving ready packed boxes from one destination to another and then leaving with your six-pack of beer).

29. a MAN must never own a cat or like his girlfriend‟s cat.
29. HARD ONE FOR ME, DON'T DO CATS (sorry judy, caroline and other cat lovers but i agree)

30. if a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him …too gay.
30. THE ONLY REASON NOT TO JOIN IN IS IF YOU HAVE A VOICE LIKE MINE.

31. under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
31. WHY WOULD YOU LET A FRIEND GET WET? IF SHE HAS HAIR THAT DOES NOT LIKE THE WET, GIVE HER THE WHOLE UMBRELLA IF IT IS TOO SQUASHED TO SHARE.

32. before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. if he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "*uc* **f!" you are absolved of your of responsibility.
32. DRAG YOUR FRIEND OUT OF THE DOOR WITH YOU. IF SHE KICKS AND SCREAMS AND TELLS YOU TO *$#@ *&^, GAG HER BUT TAKE HER HOME. (then remind her about it whenever you drink wine together!!)