"let your boat of life be light, packed with only
what you need - a homely home and simple pleasures, someone to love and someone to love you,
enough to eat and enough to wear
and a little more than enough to drink:
for thirst is a dangerous thing"

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

men - you got to love them....

yesterday, being a typically wintry easter monday, i did some sorting.  it is usually the weekend that you bring down your jerseys from the top shelf and re-organise the other shelves but instead i had stuff to do for the wedding next monday, cutting ribbons and sticking them on jam jars (same jars from the last wedding are now being recycled into floating candle holders).  so i sorted out the study where all the "wedding stuff" is still stored (mammoth job).  once that was kind-of sorted i moved to the pile of papers on the computer desk.  this proved to be a good move as i found some wonderful old emails which i can use on this blog.  hysterical letters from cheryl in new zealand - i also found this email titled THE MEN COMMANDMENTS (rules for men from men) which i think you will enjoy.  i have had to do some editing as some of the stuff was pretty damn rude (but very funny) - i know you enjoy it and if you want the unedited version let me know and i will email it to you.

here goes:-

1.  it is ok for a MAN to cry under the following circumstances:-
  • when a heroic dog dies to save its master;
  • the moment angelina jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse;
  • after wrecking your boss’ car;
  • one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “the crying game”.
 2.  any MAN who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.   unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.   if you’ve known a MAN for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.   moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.  no MAN shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another MAN. in fact, even remembering your friend’s birthday is strictly optional.

7.   on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.   when stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

9.   it is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

10.  only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another MAN in the nuts.

11.   unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12.   friends don’t let friends wear speedos. ever. issue closed.

13.   if a MAN’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14.    women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.   a MAN in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.   never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.

17.    if you compliment a MAN on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.   never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

19.  phrases that may NOT be uttered to another MAN while lifting weights:
  • yeah, baby, push it!
  • c’mon, give me one more!
  • another set and we can hit the showers!

20    never talk to a MAN in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. for all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.   never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. keep a stopwatch by the phone. hang up if necessary.

22.   there is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or mens gymnastics. ever.

23.   when you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. you are permitted to deny his very existence.

24   you may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call ‘BULLSHIT’.  (exception is when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

25.  the minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. for a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

26.  agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

27.  before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

28.  the universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

29.  a MAN must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.

30.   if a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…too gay.

31.   under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

32.  before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. if he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “*uc* **f!” you are absolved of your of responsibility.

don't you love it!!!  this is exactly why we can read MEN so well.   i am working on my woman to woman commandments.  watch this space!!

on looking for a picture to make the page look pretty, i found this one.  can it be that a book has been written about the points above?   needs further investigation.

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