the fake doughnut and other stuff

I am still here, just distracted and busy and wishing I had time to catch up with my friends and family and blogging (which is exactly the same thing, I suppose).  I know you will excuse the lack of activity - the week coming up is also going to be crazy - so I am doing the lazy thing and sending you stuff that I have had stored for a rainy day.  Stuff that I wanted to elaborate on a bit and maybe tell a story about but for now there are not many stories.  But you guys know what is what, you can make up your own stories....

I love this

(Note how the 136 has been rubbed out and changed to 137 - I think he (it has to be a "he") added the word "strawberry")

Delicious yogurt panacotta made by Lynne for a lovely lunch last week

She shares her recipes, I followed the recipe - gelatine and all

and it was almost (actually just as) delicious as hers

(but I lost points on the presentation as I only had blueberries 

and my ramekins were much flatter)

A treat of a butterfly outside my bedroom window yesterday morning

(good picture hey Ellen?)

Someone always does 

Don't you forget it!!

Open that window - there may even be a butterfly waiting for you!!

Sleep tight

a man's a man for that...

I have not had time for much this week but while waiting for a takeaway pizza, I had a quick look on Facebook only to see messages from Siobhan about Robbie Burns night.  It was quite ironic because this evening was the first time that I have sat down to watch television with Michael in ages.  He had just settled down to watch the cricket (Who wants to watch the cricket when you know the South African team have already lost the series? What is the point?).  So I hijacked the remote and started looking at what we had recorded.  Dalene had told me about the Graham Norton show that was on DSTV last Friday. It was a great show especially since we are trying very hard to get the whole family together to see Les Miserables but it is proving more difficult than putting a marshmallow into a money box.  Hugh Jackman (Jean Valjean) was a guest (along with Tom Cruise and Billy Crystal). I can't wait to see this movie (and if Dalene and Gareth have sneaked off without me there is going to be trouble!!).  The two of them are the ultimate Les Mis fans and they both know every word of every song. It is a special musical in our family.

Sorry, I get sidetracked.  As gorgeous and entertaining as Hugh Jackman was, the star of the show to me was the Scottish comedian, John Bishop.  Michael and I really had a good laugh watching the show and now while I wait (very hungrily) for the pizza to arrive, I thought I should share this little bit of Burns magic.  

"A Man's a Man for That" has always been one of my favourite poems.  I remember my English teacher translating it for us and explaining, quite simply that a man is a man, rich or poor and that we are all equal.  Wealth and social class is not a measure for a person's worth and honesty is worth more than fancy clothes (tinsel).  I had forgotten and had to look up what a "birkie" was (cool young guy) and I remembered that a coof was a fool.

Is there for honest Poverty 

That hings his head, an' a' that; 

The coward slave-we pass him by, 

We dare be poor for a' that! 

For a' that, an' a' that. 

Our toils obscure an' a' that, 

The rank is but the guinea's stamp, 

The Man's the gowd for a' that. 

What though on hamely fare we dine, 

Wear hoddin grey, an' a that; 

Gie fools their silks, and knaves their wine; 

A Man's a Man for a' that: 

For a' that, and a' that, 

Their tinsel show, an' a' that; 

The honest man, tho' e'er sae poor, 

Is king o' men for a' that. 

Ye see yon birkie, ca'd a lord, 

Wha struts, an' stares, an' a' that; 

Tho' hundreds worship at his word, 

He's but a coof for a' that: 

For a' that, an' a' that, 

His ribband, star, an' a' that: 

The man o' independent mind 

He looks an' laughs at a' that. 

A prince can mak a belted knight, 

A marquis, duke, an' a' that; 

But an honest man's abon his might, 

Gude faith, he maunna fa' that! 

For a' that, an' a' that, 

Their dignities an' a' that; 

The pith o' sense, an' pride o' worth, 

Are higher rank than a' that. 

Then let us pray that come it may, 

(As come it will for a' that,) 

That Sense and Worth, o'er a' the earth, 

Shall bear the gree, an' a' that. 

For a' that, an' a' that, 

It's coming yet for a' that, 

That Man to Man, the world o'er, 

Shall brothers be for a' that.

My apologies to the Scottish family (and Aunty Alice) for any misinterpretation.  Colette and Siobhan I know will love Paolo Nutini's version of this poem.  

Victoria has told me that she is having haggis, tatties and neeps for dinner and I wish you all a wonderful evening.  I am off to have some pizza (which has finally arrived) followed by a "wee dram" (with all the Scottish whisky* in our house, that never gets drunk, it would be silly to let an occasion like tonight pass me by).

*Did you know what "whisky" is for the Scottish variety and "whiskey" is Irish?  The Scottish take umbrage to inserting an "e" in their "whisky".

I have been waiting for so long to find the right time and place to use the words "take umbrage".  Such a lovely expression.

Therein ends the lesson.

thoughts on blogging

I have been thinking about this blogging addiction lately and it is confusing me a bit. My main reason for starting the blog was to get some confidence with my writing and start this off as a platform for putting my often random thoughts down on paper and hopefully work towards my book.

Well it has now been quite a long road which has produced a steady stream of posts - nearly 390 posts since April 2011.

I realise that I am a person of contrasts.  I do not seek attention and hate drawing attention to myself.  My Friday post received more comments than usual and also resulted in a couple of emails and sms messages as well.  All very much appreciated and I am glad it was enjoyed, but at the same time it was a bit overwhelming and got me thinking.  

Why do I say contrasts?  On the one hand I like to know that people are reading my blog - I do push the "stats" button every couple of days to see what is happening and get pretty excited when I see that some unimportant posts from way back are still getting read.

Then I write another post, put quite a lot of effort into and it gets very little response (and then that makes me insecure).  Should I just remove it?  Why am I feeling insecure?  It is just a blog that I am doing for myself (or is it?).  

I have now started to thrive on the number of "likes" I get, which I suppose is interpreted as "attention seeking" and is very contrary to my "wear black and go unnoticed" policy.  I probably need counselling.

Then there is Michael.  He is not computer literate and I used to print out the posts for him from time to time so that he could read them too. But since I have been on the road and not desk bound he has not received any hard copy for ages. After writing a post like I did on Friday about his mother and concerning him, people made comments to him about it and I realised that perhaps I should print it out for him to read.  So I did and went to hide away while he read it.

Before I gave it to him, I re-read it and thought that I perhaps am starting to come across as a "do-gooder" and painting a far better picture of myself than what I really am.  I write honestly and usually without re-reading and, if you know me, the writing is very much how I speak (sorry, babble). 

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend who does her best and feels the need to uplift people more than to write about the sad and bad. I feel that I have got to know my audience too.  I can pre-empt a comment from Judy or Hope when I post any music, I know those who love to see my garden, and those who prefer to read about wine or family stuff. It is satisfying when I hit a cord with my words (or the words of a song or a poem).  I sometimes sit for ages trying to make a decision about one sentence because I know it is going to make my mother cry.  Then I often leave the sentence in and wait for the sms "You made me cry".  (I have a cruel side).

The main point: -   I thank you for your support and the fact that you let me know when you enjoy a post but I am not a saint or amazing or incredible (in fact I am very ordinary).  I am not doing this for accolades or to make myself out to be special - because I am no different to anyone else.  I try to always be positive and I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a happy disposition so I do find it easy to look for the good in most situations.  

I am not sure whether this post has made any sense.  I'll leave it up to you to let me know.

I am looking forward to getting my teeth into some meatier stuff in 2013 and am starting a series "Letters to Amy and Kelly"

So expect a lot more to come but remember it is me, Jenny (the wine loving and selling, menopausal one who best get moving and be off and sell some wine).

never too late for a resolution

You probably did not even notice but there was a noticeable lack of "New Year jargon and motivation for 2013" on my blog this year.  The heat of January has slowly infiltrated my already spongy brain and I have busied myself with some "new and out of my usual box" experiences, which I thought I would share with you.

Michael's mom is dying.  We cannot tell how long it is going to take but we are hoping that her sons from Boston and Canada do get here to say their goodbyes.  I have been blessed this week with 3 relatively good visits to see her.  Over the Christmas / New Year period whenever we arrived to visit she was in a deep sleep.  This week however I have caught her in the morning and she has been responsive.  I am not experienced at this and feel a little stupid at times but I have decided to do the reading and praying option (I put my foot down for any singing - that could push her over the edge).  

For Helen's 90th birthday (nearly 3 years ago) the family collected letters and photographs from friends and family all over the world.  It was then put into a scrapbook which over the last couple of years she has read often.  There is lovely mix of letters and cards in the scrapbook and there are a couple that I read to her over and over again.

Her daughter Jennifer, who lives in the UK, wrote a lighthearted letter where she listed memories of her childhood through to adulthood which were special to her.  "I remember being about 5 years old, walking to the shops with you, listening to stories about you when you were a little girl and  I felt very special to be alone with you while my 3 older brothers were at school".  This one sentence gives Helen a faraway look in her eyes and a big, gentle smile.

Her daughter-in-law, Judy in Boston wrote a wonderful letter about their daughter-in-law / mother-in-law relationships and the similarity of the paths they followed.  She quoted words from Ruth, in the bible, and makes mention of two favourite hymns.  Now Helen's voice is failing and she nods and smiles in recognition of the hymns. I certainly could not sing them.  What was I to do?  I read the words of the hymns to her and then last week her great friend Connie brought along a CD of all the popular Methodist hymns.  This was the answer.  Now I read Judy's letter to her and tell her to hold on, while I fiddle with the CD player and play Love's Divine at full volume while she smiles to herself and taps her very long and thin fingers on her lap.

Some letters are too long, some of the people I do not know but by reading a couple of lines from these letters seems to give her some joy, a smile and a nod of remembrance.

The American Scrapbook idea is a wonderful one to bear in mind for a gift for your parents or grandparents.  The one I put together is by no means fancy.  I used an expensive flip-file and printed the messages on coloured paper and together with birthday cards and old and new photographs it really is a wonderful testament to the woman, Helen Kotze.

While this is a sad time we feel more for the family who are overseas.  There is no knowing how much longer she will linger on, she is losing weight and only eating small amounts of smooth food, drinking water and apple juice.

While this is not something that one hopes to have to do often, it is giving me lots of satisfaction in making Helen's life a little bit better and this experience will, in turn, help me to help my family and friends when they are faced with a similar situation.

The nervous way I used to walk into her flat has changed - I am no longer afraid of what I am going to find because in that frail body is the same woman who has lived, loved and fought the system.  I learn a little more about her each day.  If she is not afraid of dying (and has been requesting it for months and months) why should I be afraid to watch her die.

She now seems resigned to her end, she is peaceful and loving and most of all is always grateful.

That was slightly side tracked but here are some other things to share with you:-

“Most good things happen without a plan: friendships, 

falling in love, 

finding a job, and so on. 

If you want to make your new year count, 

you’ll need to be intentional — not by setting goals, 

but by making space in your life 

for what really matters.” 

Jeff Goins

and then:

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, 

and living alone won't either, 

or solitude will also break you with its yearning. 

You have to love. You have to feel. 

It is the reason you are here on earth. 

You are here to risk your heart. 

You are here to be swallowed up. 

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, 

or left, 

or hurt, or death brushes near, 

let yourself sit by an apple tree 

and listen

 to the apples falling all around you in heaps, 

wasting their sweetness. 

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

This will be my resolution:-

If you want to make your new year count, 

you’ll need to be intentional — not by setting goals, 

but by making space in your life 

for what really matters.

I like that!!