thoughts on blogging

I have been thinking about this blogging addiction lately and it is confusing me a bit. My main reason for starting the blog was to get some confidence with my writing and start this off as a platform for putting my often random thoughts down on paper and hopefully work towards my book.

Well it has now been quite a long road which has produced a steady stream of posts - nearly 390 posts since April 2011.

I realise that I am a person of contrasts.  I do not seek attention and hate drawing attention to myself.  My Friday post received more comments than usual and also resulted in a couple of emails and sms messages as well.  All very much appreciated and I am glad it was enjoyed, but at the same time it was a bit overwhelming and got me thinking.  

Why do I say contrasts?  On the one hand I like to know that people are reading my blog - I do push the "stats" button every couple of days to see what is happening and get pretty excited when I see that some unimportant posts from way back are still getting read.

Then I write another post, put quite a lot of effort into and it gets very little response (and then that makes me insecure).  Should I just remove it?  Why am I feeling insecure?  It is just a blog that I am doing for myself (or is it?).  

I have now started to thrive on the number of "likes" I get, which I suppose is interpreted as "attention seeking" and is very contrary to my "wear black and go unnoticed" policy.  I probably need counselling.

Then there is Michael.  He is not computer literate and I used to print out the posts for him from time to time so that he could read them too. But since I have been on the road and not desk bound he has not received any hard copy for ages. After writing a post like I did on Friday about his mother and concerning him, people made comments to him about it and I realised that perhaps I should print it out for him to read.  So I did and went to hide away while he read it.

Before I gave it to him, I re-read it and thought that I perhaps am starting to come across as a "do-gooder" and painting a far better picture of myself than what I really am.  I write honestly and usually without re-reading and, if you know me, the writing is very much how I speak (sorry, babble). 

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend who does her best and feels the need to uplift people more than to write about the sad and bad. I feel that I have got to know my audience too.  I can pre-empt a comment from Judy or Hope when I post any music, I know those who love to see my garden, and those who prefer to read about wine or family stuff. It is satisfying when I hit a cord with my words (or the words of a song or a poem).  I sometimes sit for ages trying to make a decision about one sentence because I know it is going to make my mother cry.  Then I often leave the sentence in and wait for the sms "You made me cry".  (I have a cruel side).

The main point: -   I thank you for your support and the fact that you let me know when you enjoy a post but I am not a saint or amazing or incredible (in fact I am very ordinary).  I am not doing this for accolades or to make myself out to be special - because I am no different to anyone else.  I try to always be positive and I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a happy disposition so I do find it easy to look for the good in most situations.  

I am not sure whether this post has made any sense.  I'll leave it up to you to let me know.

I am looking forward to getting my teeth into some meatier stuff in 2013 and am starting a series "Letters to Amy and Kelly"

So expect a lot more to come but remember it is me, Jenny (the wine loving and selling, menopausal one who best get moving and be off and sell some wine).