"this season is about becoming..."

The past couple of months I have had the very unusual opportunity of spending a lot of time on my own.   If I think about it, it is probably the first period in my life that I have had time to myself and on my own.  Never lonely but often alone.  Sometimes I even feel that I am becoming a bit reclusive, but I am happy on my own.  I am trying hard to get rid of the guilt feelings around having all this time to myself (and not having any money of my own (but that will come)).  The things I have to do, I spread evenly through the day to make the days seem busier and fuller than they really are (confession).  For the first time, in a long time, I am taking time for myself and exercising regularly.  My morning walks with Fay are now a pretty fast quick-step through the suburbs (some days, more leisurely than others and we chat-up builders to persuade them to let us have a look around the new renovations they are working on).  We are out for nearly an hour and a half and the improvement in my fitness is noticeable, especially when we throw in a couple of hills.

I have worked for most of my life - I had a couple of years off when the boys were born and little.  I then worked a couple of mornings a week when they were at pre-school, then the couple of mornings gradually increased to every morning as the boys needed me less and then the hours increased when when I needed money.

I have the support of my husband, family and friends in my new venture and I am in a really good space at the moment and loving what I am doing (or not doing).  What then is this guilty feeling that keeps tugging at me?  Why the slightly empty feeling inside me? It does not bother me, but it is there.  The feeling that something is missing and that I have done something wrong, or forgotten to do something and that I may be about to get into trouble. Perhaps I think too much and analyse things too deeply.  Fay said something to me while walking the other day (we talk a lot) and it has been ticking over in my head.  Her boys are both older than my oldest.  She said something along these lines "...then one day you will suddenly realise that your children have grown up, have their own lives and are not dependant on you anymore".  She was talking about it in a financial way as well (and with one student son, I am not perhaps there yet) but it has rung a chord.  It has made me realise that I am in the next phase of my life. 

It is hard to cook for two and thank goodness Nic is still around (not this month, but he usually is) to clear out the leftovers. I am learning to enjoy the fact that the washing only needs to be done once or twice a week and not every day and that the house is orderly (mostly of the time). Could this be the dreaded "ENS"? (I cannot bring myself to say that overused, cliched word).  The feeling is there though, that the one job in my life that fulfilled me, that I felt I was good at and kept me very busy, has now made me redundant.

You are now probably wondering where I am going with this.  I spent quite a bit of time this week re-reading the start of what was going to be my book (it is pretty awful and most of it has been deleted) and I am now on a new path.  I read lots of stuff on the internet, in magazines and on blogs and most of the writings are by people much younger than me, and some younger than my children.  It makes me realise just how much bolder, cleverer, braver and more honest they are than me (not wiser though - actually, maybe wiser too).  My children and their contemporaries are so smart.  They know things and remember everything.  I wonder whether my Gran thought that I was smart?  Maybe she did, maybe it is a generation thing.  She never told me though but then again, I never asked. 

OK, you are still wondering where I am going with this.   Today I read the piece below, written by a 25 year old - I presume she (I found it here) must be 25"ish".  How smart, how wise.  How can she feel at 25 exactly what I am feeling now?  

"11 Things to Know at 25(ish) →

Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal…Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep travelling honestly along life’s path."

Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep travelling honestly along life’s path.

Beautiful - Could not have said it better myself and exactly what I needed to read :)